Despite what I want to tell you, I don’t have my binge eating under control.
Quite often it flares up, and I’m left wondering why. Why now?
Why now, at the beginning of 2017, when everything is supposed to be regimented and better?
Why now, when all I see on social media is how good everyone is doing with their New Year’s Resolutions, am I’m sitting here stockpiling my mouth with leftover Christmas candy, telling myself it will be different tomorrow?
Why now, when I’m supposed to be getting better, when I’m so FUCKING SERIOUS about getting better?
It’s like the more I want something, the deeper I obsess over it. When it feels threatened, the monster inside of me rebels. It wants to remind me it’s still here and doing well. It wants to show me who’s boss.
I’ve noticed a pattern.
When I want to desperately lose weight, I wind up obsessing over it, falling for the “treachery of don’t,” and I fail. I’m in constant struggle. It exhausts me. I resent how hard daily life becomes. I want to ease the pain with sugar. I want to rebel.
This has occurred in other areas of my life as well.
When I want to save money, to feel more financially secure, I usually wind up spending MORE money on things I believe will make me more secure. The more money I spend, the more panicked I become. The cycle continues.
The more insecure I feel about my relationships, the more I push people away, hoping they’ll save me, hoping they’ll drop everything to be with me.
Usually they just get annoyed and our communication sours. Insecurity festers and what do you think happens? Bingo. I lash out. And here we go again.
It’s like a cat.
When you want your cat to snuggle with you, when your heart is exploding with love for it, it usually wants nothing to do with you. It senses your desperation and just wants to get the absolute fuck away from you.
Then, all of a sudden, when you’re not thinking of your cat because you’re too concentrated on meditating or writing a term paper or whatever, it comes to you. It wants to step all over you keyboard in eternal devotion.
Oddly enough, I had quite the opposite experience in undergraduate. I didn’t obsess over my grades like my other classmates, but I still ended up graduating at the top of my class.
I’m sure some people resented me for this. It wasn’t that I didn’t try or that I didn’t care. The simple truth is that I just didn’t obsess — I took everything one day at a time, one assignment at a time and I did the best I could. When I felt I had studied enough or put adequate work into a term paper, I submitted it.
Maybe all things should be sought after in such a manner.
Why You Should Let Go of Your Desire
There is a quote by Kaleel Jamison:
“Relationships-of all kinds-are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.”
I think this idea applies not only to relationships, but also to desires.
Weeks of struggling have lead me to believe that I need to let go of my desire, my desperation even, for immediate relief. I may not be able to stop bingeing instantly. Believing and hoping that I can causes more panic and discomfort than it’s worth.
So what can I do instead? What can you do instead?
Keep yourself busy with things that make you feel fulfilled. If nothing satisfies you lately (AKA if you’re me), just keep busy with mundane things. Read things. Watch movies that engross you (things that scare or disgust me tend to keep me the most engrossed. I stay most distracted from food/bingeing/my problems when watching things like Law and Order..teehee). Watch funny cat videos online. Clean. Go out with your friends even if you feel to fat and disgusting to go. Do sudoku or other mental challenges. Play a challenging video game.
Take yourself out of desperation in whatever way you can. Release the need to be in control.
Cradle the sand. Be gentle with yourself.
gababytes 