Why Letting Go of Desire will Usually Help You Get What you Want

Despite what I want to tell you, I don’t have my binge eating under control.

Quite often it flares up, and I’m left wondering why. Why now?

Why now, at the beginning of 2017, when everything is supposed to be regimented and better?

Why now, when all I see on social media is how good everyone is doing with their New Year’s Resolutions, am I’m sitting here stockpiling my mouth with leftover Christmas candy, telling myself it will be different tomorrow?

Why now, when I’m supposed to be getting better, when I’m so FUCKING SERIOUS about getting better?

It’s like the more I want something, the deeper I obsess over it. When it feels threatened, the monster inside of me rebels. It wants to remind me it’s still here and doing well. It wants to show me who’s boss.

I’ve noticed a pattern.

Is this Thinking Trap Making You Miserable?

Do you ever take time to congratulate yourself for the small stuff? Do you appreciate the “minor” achievements in your life?

Or do you write yourself off?

Despite losing my job this week, I’ve been making some progress towards some personal goals.

I’ve been writing daily, and drawing daily.

I’ve mapped out a bunch of places I can apply to instead of wallowing in self-pity.

I forgave myself for stress-eating.

These are all victories.

These are ALL things I wasn’t capable of doing this time last year.

Yet, I find myself brushing them off.

Oh, so what I mapped out a plan for employment. That’s what adults do.

Yeah, I filled a notebook with sketches. But I still don’t know graphic design, so does it even matter?

How You Think Can Harm You

In psychology, this type of defeatist thinking is known as “discounting the positive”.

People who fall victim to this cognitive trap often find themselves discrediting everything and anything, no matter how small or great the achievement.

Nothing is ever good enough.

Living in your mind starts to resemble time-spent time with an apathetic, snarky teenager.

If things come easy, they don’t matter.

If things don’t come easy, they still don’t matter, because they should come easy.

The problem with thinking like this is that it will constantly make you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

It will turn you into a perfectionist or you will start to avoid life. Either you will forever chase an unattainable goal, or you will lose hope and resort to idleness.

nothing but a downward spiral awaits you if you do not break this cycle of thinking.

Start to feel happier by breaking your habit of “discounting the positive” :

1. Start to become aware of when you discount your achievements. It’s hard to break a habit if you do not know when it occurs.
2. Allow yourself to feel joy over the simplest victories and pleasures. Keep a gratitude list with you, and review it often. Start today. Make a list of 10 things you did today that were awesome. If you’re struggling to think of 10, I challenge you to come up with 20. The more you can find to celebrate, the better.
3. If feeling good just because is too difficult for you, give yourself some justification as to why you SHOULD feel good instead of why you shouldn’t.

For instance, if you normally say something like this to yourself:

“I finished my assignment today, but it doesn’t matter because Mary finished her’s two weeks ago.”

Try something like the following that does not involve other people:

“I finished my assignment today, and that’s awesome because this morning I didn’t feel like doing it at all.”

Or maybe you sound more like this:

“I didn’t binge today, but who cares. I wasn’t stressed out so it’s no big deal.”

 “I stuck to my meal plan today, but normal people do that.”

So try:

“I didn’t binge today. That’s a huge improvement. I used to binge

“I could have done nothing today, but I decided to stick with my meal plan. Yay me!”

A Little Thinking Trap that Keeps You Stuck

It’ll come of no surprise to you that I’m horribly inconsistent at writing.

In fact, I’m using everything in my arsenal right now just to sit here and commit to a word count.

When I woke up this morning, the thought “YOU COULD WRITE RIGHT NOW” flashed across my mind.

As quickly as it came, I pretended I didn’t see it. Tossed it aside like a senseless idea.

Then a deluge of pointless obligations took over. Somehow they were all much more vivid and tantalizing than writing at my computer. Somehow searching for Swedish massage deals on Groupon seemed more worthy of my time than something I actually find to be fulfilling, albeit challenging.

It hit me that whenever I hear “YEAH, BUT…” in my mind, it’s a TELLTALE sign I’m avoiding an impulse that wants to serve me in some important way. For example, my morning looked like this:

Impulse:

Yeah, but I have to e-mail my advisor.

And then I should look up massage deals. And then…

This scenario plays out in other familiar areas of my life.

Impulse: “I could eat breakfast.”
Yeah, but I’m not hungry.
Yeah, but I binged last night.
Yeah, but I didn’t work out yesterday, so I don’t need the calories.

Today, I challenged you to find your YEAH BUT moments, and do exactly what precedes them. Your mind will find a myriad of ways to convince you otherwise.

You don’t have to ignore these persuasions.

Sit gently with yourself, acknowledge these “ yeah, buts,” breathe.

And then try:
“Ok. But first…”